Was Mandela Harry’s real father?

Considering Diana’s history of amorous generosity, it’s to be expected that Harry’s paternity would be up for gossipy debates.

Rumour has it, for example, that she graced King Juan Carlos with her favours during an official royal visit to Spain. Since Diana also met Mandela, whom she worshipped with the fervour of a teenage groupie, could it be that…?

Admittedly, Harry bears a greater facial resemblance to some other putative daddies, such as Captain Hewitt. But, judging by his keynote speech at the UN General Assembly, he is a true heir to Mandela’s spiritual legacy – and far be it from me to put biology before spirituality.

Actually, there was nothing Harry said about that legacy that isn’t repeated every day on the pages of The New York Times, Le Monde, The Guardian and other similar publications. Such papers form a lay church empowered to canonise secular saints.

Once canonised, a saint is exempt from not only criticism but even honest study. Worshipping genuflection is the only acceptable stance.

Though Harry remained physically upright throughout his speech, he was genuflecting inwardly. He started by sharing an insight into how horrible Mandela must have felt during his 27 years in solitary confinement. The impression Harry conveyed was that St Nelson had suffered a racist injustice.

In fact, the African National Congress, led by Mandela until his 1963 trial and after his 1990 release, was a terrorist Marxist organisation. As such, it was armed and otherwise supported by communist countries, especially Cuba and East Germany.

East German Stasi helped the ANC set up ‘Quatro’, the detention centre across the border in Angola. There dozens of anti-Marxists were tortured and murdered. Many were ‘necklaced’, with a tyre filled with petrol, placed over their necks and set on fire.

In the same spirit of international cooperation, the ANC also received assistance from our own dear IRA. In an arrangement allegedly negotiated by Gerry Adams himself, the IRA sent its bomb-making experts to train aspiring ANC murderers, thereby greatly improving their efficiency.

It was murderous activities that landed Mandela in prison, not his abstract love of justice and freedom. But any mainstream media would be as likely to mention such facts as Al Jazeera would be to announce that there is a God other than Allah, and Mohammad isn’t his prophet.

Harry then mentioned how intimately his work is intertwined with the plight of Africa, presumably referring to his deals with Netflix and Spotify. One wonders how many of the millions he earns there he’ll share with the starving Africans so close to Harry’s heart.

Having thus established a solid base of ANC credentials, Harry struck out globally. Ours, he said, is a “painful year in a painful decade”. The pain comes from a “global assault on democracy and freedom.”

The assailers were identified as Putin’s war in the Ukraine, the US Supreme Court that had “rolled back constitutional rights” and global warming.

In some places, Harry informed us, “water is quite literally rising”. While I tried to figure out the difference between water rising literally and figuratively, Harry pressed on.

“Our world is on fire”, he said, citing the heat wave in Europe as unassailable proof. By the same logic, snow covering parts of Provence this April was proof of an Ice Age. Harry, God bless him, doesn’t know the difference between weather and climate, but he doesn’t let such incidentals hold him back.

Lest we feel despondent and hopeless, Harry then struck an optimistic note: there is an organisation that can save the planet from hellfire and literally rising water: “We must count on the UN”. That “is not up for debate and neither is the science.”

Since global warming is history’s first scientific discovery made not by scientists but by the organisation so dear to Harry’s heart (I mean the UN, not the ANC), he is right to delegate the solution to the same people. They got us into this mess, they should get us out of it.

As to the science not being “up for debate”, I wonder how deeply Harry has studied the issue. Judging by his general education, I suspect everything he knows about science could fit into Meghan’s powder compact, with enough room left for a few grams of coke (considering where they live, I assume they use it).

Yet that’s not a licence to mouth arrant nonsense. Serious scientists not only argue against global warming but debunk it outright for the hoax it is. Over 30,000 American scientists have issued a paper to that effect, which has been kept away from the public by the kind of papers Harry reads.

Instead, he should read the two books on this subject by the Australian climatologist Ian Plimer. Harry probably wouldn’t understand a word of it, but he may at least get the general idea that the science is indeed up for debate.

Little as he appears to know about science, he knows next to nothing about American constitutional history and understands even less. Otherwise he’d know that the Supreme Court’s decision Meghan hates actually affirms constitutional rights, rather than rolling them back.

SCOTUS delegated some of the federal power to the state level, thereby acting in the spirit explained in, among other sources, the Federalist Papers. Before running off at the mouth on such issues, Harry should make a modicum of effort to learn something about them… Oh well, forget it.

Actually, Harry reinforces my belief in heredity, at the same time dispelling rumours about the side of the blanket he was born on. For at exactly the same time, his legal father, Prince Charles, was boasting he had been right all along: a couple of hot days prove climate has been warming up steadily for centuries.

Hence Charles may well be the tree that Harry didn’t fall far from; one can detect faulty genes at work. And of course Harry has his mother’s mind. Diana thought with the organ not originally designed for that purpose, and Harry uses the male equivalent with the same élan.

I shudder at the thought of this man being sixth in the line of accession. Americans are welcome to him, hope they keep Harry there in eternity.