People misjudge Jeremy. They see him as a dangerous madman combining Trotskyist views with support for Hamaz and Hezbollah.
Lefties fear, while Tories hope, that Jeremy will destroy the Labour Party if he ever gets to lead it. More farsighted people fear he’ll destroy Britain if he ever becomes prime minister.
They all fail to see Jeremy’s noble inner core, which only my X-ray moral vision can discern.
Jeremy, you see, is the last knight-errant driven by a chivalrous urge to protect our ladies, fair or otherwise. He’s a Don Quixote charging every sexist windmill to defend the honour of Dulcinea del Toboso, as collectively personified by British womenfolk.
It’s only with Cervantes’s help that his generous proposal to segregate our railways can be understood. Every train, suggests our gallant knight, must have women-only carriages, which is the only way to protect our Dulcineas from the sexual harassment they otherwise suffer.
Think of all those ladies in distress suffering a lifelong trauma when yet another ruffian ogles their mummeries and smirks “You don’t get many of those to a pound” or, if his au courant with the PC metric system, “…to a kilo”.
Imagine the anguish of a long-legged girl, mortally wounded by the question “Do they go all the way up to the neck?” Typologically such abuse is only different from rape in some insignificant details.
However, physical abuse is also prevalent, with many a womanly British bottom getting pinched or patted without permission. (A note to my American readers: when in England, don’t ever refer to that part of the anatomy as ‘fanny’. Here the word describes something relatively unlikely to be patted or pinched on public transport.)
Of course another solution would be to cover the jutting womanly attractions with a shapeless black garment that would also cover their faces. Jeremy’s ISIS friends would applaud the idea, but such a radical measure might whip up Islamophobia, which is rapidly replacing sexism as the eighth deadly sin.
Jeremy isn’t only out to protect women. That would be discriminatory and, unlike segregation, discrimination is yet another cardinal sin, Number 10 by the latest count.
My friend Jeremy would have none of that: “My intention,” he says, “would be to make public transport safe for everyone from the train platform to the bus stop…”
Everyone! All ye of little faith, wipe those supercilious Tory smiles off your faces. Not just women, but anyone belonging to any group likely to be abused on any public transport.
In due course we’ll have ‘blacks only’ carriages (or rather ‘Persons of Afro-Caribbean descent only’ ones), ‘cripples only’ carriages (or rather ‘physically or otherwise challenged persons only’ ones) and so forth.
Muslims and Asians, fat, short, ginger-haired and homosexual people – every minority group will have its own carriage, except the Jews. They won’t be allowed on trains at all for fear of upsetting Jeremy’s Hamaz and Hezbollah friends.
Of course buses, being smaller than trains, would be harder to segregate, but I’m sure Jeremy will think of a way.
For example he may propose that alternating is the only way of segregating. Each bus will be assigned exclusively to a potentially harassed group, identified on the front, where the destination is normally displayed. I can just hear people grumbling “You wait around for a woman-only for ages, and then three come together at once”.
If you want to find out about another brilliant idea Jeremy conceived, concentrate and think: what’s the greatest problem haunting Britain, the way the spectre of communism used to haunt Europe?
We’ve already identified some candidates, such as sexism, misogyny, racism in general and Islamophobia in particular, homophobia (not to be confused with haemophilia), discrimination in general and against Muslims in particular – but not against Jews, who, as Jeremy will tell you, deserve all they get.
What comes next? Income inequality, that’s what. Some people make more money than some others, but there comes Jeremy, riding in on his trusted Rocinante, charging yet another windmill with his lance.
We already have a minimum national wage, says Jeremy, which is good. Of course that means that some employers, who can’t afford to pay it, simply won’t hire, thereby increasing unemployment. But Jeremy doesn’t see that as a problem: unlimited social spending will provide more than the minimum wage for those left out.
But now he’s also proposing a maximum national wage, designed to punish greedy fat cats and, ideally, drive them out of Jeremy’s country. Of course they’ll take not only millions of pounds but also millions of jobs with them, but that’s where the unlimited social spending will kick in. Sorted.
Don’t know about you, but I’m warming up to Jeremy. His time has come because he’s a man for our time.