The Gospel according to Francis

It saddens me no end to see that His Holiness’s injunctions against sins towards the environment have been reported loosely rather than verbatim.

 The key messages have been reported accurately enough: the need for carpooling and no need for lights in the house, the environmental debt that rich nations owe to poor ones, the sins we all commit against the environment.

 But, while conveying the Pope’s message, the papers have neglected to convey his language, thereby displaying a cavalier attitude towards the form within which the content resides.

 By a stroke of luck, however, I’ve managed to lay my hands on the original text, which, in the spirit of Christian generosity, I shall share with you:

Seeing the multitudes, Francis went up into the Vatican: and when he was set, his Cardinals and the multitudes came upon him:

And Francis opened his mouth and taught them, saying,

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; but I say unto you that whosoever driveth his own chariot shall be in danger of hell fire.

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill: But verily I say unto you that whosoever looketh at a late-model chariot with lust hath killed the environment already in his heart; his is hell fire.

And if the State will sue thee at law for committing global warming, and take away thy money, let it take thy chariot also.

Therefore when the State doest thou out of thine alms to pay for wind farms, verily I say unto you, Give it its reward.

I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to unclean air and the iniquity of global warming; even so now yield your members servants to chariotpooling and darkness in your abode.

And God said, let there not be light in thine abode: and there was no light.

And God saw the darkness, that it was good: and God divided darkness from light.

And God called the darkness in thine house virtue, and the light he called sin.

What fruit had ye then in the ecological debt whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of aerosols and lights in your house is death.

But now being made free from lights in your house and your own chariot also, ye have your fruit unto ecological holiness, and the end of everlasting life on this planet rid of carbon monoxide and other ravenings also.

For the wages of global warming is death; but the gift of God is eternal life in dark houses through responsible environmentalism.

Blessed are the poor nations for they shall inherit our planet.

Blessed too are the poor nations for they shall inherit also our alms to battle climate change.

Blessed are the poor in spirit and feeble in mind: for theirs is the message of global warming.

Blessed are the poor in money: for they have not their own chariots nor lights in their abodes also.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst: for they have not sinful fuels to cook food and they have no food also.

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? Say, what can I do to prevent global warming.

Behold the fowls of the air; for they drive not, neither do they have houses with lights and electric ovens; yet nature feedeth them.

Take therefore no thought for the morrow; take thought for climate change for then all things will take care of themselves.

Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad: for great is thy reward for darkened abodes and no private chariots.

Ecology is the light of the world. A mountain of environmental debt cannot be hid.

Let the ecology’s light so shine before men that they may need no electricity, and glorify Him which is in the Vatican.

For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle of carbon monoxide shall in no wise remain in thy air, till all are poor.

It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife shall be smitten for murder, but I say unto you that Whosoever driveth his own chariot shall be smitten before.

Whosoever punisheth the Environment cannot be my servant.

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Though shalt love thy neighbour. But I say unto you, Love thy Environment, bless them that ruin you, be good to them that take thy chariot away, and pray for them that make you live in darkness and cold also.

That ye may be the children of Environment Ministry, for it decideth what is good for you and samewise what is bad.

For your Minister knoweth what things ye have need of, and what ye have no need of.

Be ye therefore environmentally perfect, even as wind farms and solar panels are perfect.

Blessed are the pure in air: for they shall see new taxes.

Blessed are the merciful to the Environment: for they shall obtain mercy.

For where your private chariot is, there will your heart be also.

Ye cannot serve the Environment and mammon.

I am the Environment, thy God.