The French have Covid sorted

Lately the people who gave the world Lavoisier and Ampère, Curie and Lamarck, Pasteur and Poincaré haven’t been getting full credit for their scientific ingenuity.

It’s as if scientific exploits have lost impetus in France. The French must be redirecting their attention to other spheres of life. Such as assisting the Germans in building a pan-European empire in which France would occupy the honourable second place.

However, since I love France, I’m happy to see that things are beginning to move in the right direction. The French have clearly decided that science is too important to be left to scientists. The government has stepped in and immediately scored a big win for French – nay international – Covid research.

Specifically, the French government has isolated a critical contributor in the spread of the contagion. Over the past two years, scientists have racked their brains trying to figure out which factors widen the proliferation of the deadly virus (now that we know its original source).

Large swathes of populations have been investigated to identify such factors. Old people, it has been found, are more likely to contract Covid. Are they also more likely to spread it? The same goes for various ethnic and racial groups, and multiple questions have been asked and answered – or not, as the case might have been.

However, in our era of narrow specialisation, scientists often suffer from a blinkered view of their field. They are either reluctant or unable to venture outside their immediate expertise into the vast multi-disciplined field out there.

Government officials, on the other hand, are blessed with a panoramic vision enabling them to see the whole field at once. Nor are they held back by the narrow confines of their technical knowledge because they have none.

It’s from that lofty perch that the French government looked at Covid and espied with its eagle eye that the virus has a strong political dimension. A group’s propensity for spreading the virus depends not so much on its demographic or racial characteristics as on its political affiliation, especially citizenship.

I haven’t been privy to the details of the study that led to this sensational breakthrough. But the results obtained suggest that some trial subjects, who hitherto presented no risk to others, must have been made to change their citizenship for the sake of experimental purity. As a result, they instantly became Covid carriers.

Luckily, the French government, ably led by my friend Manny, had not only the nous to identify the problem, but also the power to solve it.

Hence it has announced that no British subjects will be allowed to sully la belle France with their offensive presence without a compelling reason. However, French and other EU citizens who have been living in Britain for many years are welcome to travel to France as they please.

In other words, had the British not had the temerity to vote Leave in 2016, Penelope and I would be able to go to our place in Burgundy, see our friends we miss badly and, in Penelope’s case, play her scheduled concert there.

As it is, we present a clear and present danger to the health of the nation, while some of our French friends here, who have been living in London for as long as we have, are immune to even dormant infection.

This establishes beyond a shadow of doubt the aforementioned link between citizenship and Covid, and one has to compliment the French government on its triumphant entry into the field of microbiological research.

Bien joué, mes amis. And oh, by the way, have you visited Waterloo lately?

P.S. I’m desperately trying to adopt the woke mentality, but each time I stumble over some mutually exclusive demands.

A case in point. It’s now fashionable to have black actors play white characters. Currently running on British TV is a historical drama in which Anne Boleyn is unquestionably black.

As an aspiring woke candidate, I applaud that artistic touch. After all, a screenplay isn’t a textbook on history but a work of art. Thus I welcome even the lesbian foreplay in which Anne and her love rival Jane Seymour engage in one episode – this though I don’t think there’s any historical evidence for such a relationship.

However, in a work of art things happen for a reason. Since one can be reasonably certain that Anne was white, why is she played by a black actress? Obviously the underlying statement is that all races are equal not only at present but also retrospectively, and I concur enthusiastically.

But am I or am I not supposed to notice that Anne has changed her known colour? Obviously, if I notice it, I’m a latent racist who has no place in the woke ranks. And if I don’t notice it, doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Since I can’t notice and not notice at the same time, I’m confused.

P.P.S. Speaking of breakthrough discoveries, I’m sorry the Nobel Committee doesn’t have a sociology category. If it did, I’d carry home the fat Nobel cheque. For, after extensive research, I’ve found out why women are so often paid less. In this case, the answer came not from a meticulously designed trial, but from an old English proverb: A woman’s work is never done.