The English should be proud of their teeth

There’s a scandal with strong dental implications unfolding in America, and sides must be taken. Hence I have to repeat what Leo Tolstoy said on a different subject: I cannot remain silent.

The other day, the American comedy show, Saturday Night Live, used an actress with prosthetic teeth to mock the White Lotus star Aimee Lou Wood for her characteristic English incisors.

Miss Wood took exception to that, calling the parody “mean and unfunny”. Since I haven’t seen the sketch, I don’t have a view on its quality. But I do have a view on English teeth, which I regard as a badge of national honour.

Foreigners tend to make fun of them, but only because they are secretly envious of the English, aware that they themselves drew a losing ticket in what Cecil Rhodes called “the lottery of life”.

Recognising this, Spike Milligan, though himself half-Irish, wrote a song celebrating his better, English, half: “English Teeth, English Teeth!/ Shining in the sun/ A part of British heritage/ Aye, each and every one/ English Teeth, Happy Teeth! Always having fun/ Clamping down on bits of fish/ And sausages half done/ English Teeth! HEROES’ Teeth!”

Penelope, my better half in the more usual sense of this phrase, is also a proud possessor of that hallmark of Englishness, which, as you can see in the photograph, does her looks no harm. I often say, only half in jest, that her teeth are the foundation on which our 40-year marriage rests.

If you like the English and their language, you must also like their teeth, it’s as simple as that. For it’s the language that gave the English dental structure that most endearing overbite.

Many English vowels are enunciated with the lower jaw retracting slightly, and I’ll leave you to decide the nature of the causality there. Did God who, as we know, was Himself an Englishman, make the English that way to make it easier for them to speak the best language in His creation? Or did the language have a formative effect on the English dental structure?

One way or another, the link exists. American sounds, by contrast, are formed deeper in the mouth and involve the lower jaw much more. Over time, this phonetic peculiarity has produced the heavy, jutting jaw typical of that nation. Such sound production also creates more resonant waves, making many Americans talk more loudly than they intend.

That’s partly why one can always hear two Americans talking across the restaurant floor. The other, non-phonetical, reason is the inherent American belief that, since all men are created equally interesting, even strangers must find whatever they say to each other fascinating.

Interestingly, both that tendency and indeed the jutting jaw begin to disappear the higher up the American class ladder you climb. Paul Fussell, whose seminal (and humorous) book on American social divisions, Class, I can’t recommend too highly, compared upper-class and lower-class American profiles and reached the same conclusion.

The higher the social class of an American speaker, the closer his accent moves to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, making his speech no louder than British, and his jaw no heavier. Though less pronounced in Britain, this tendency also exists here, which is why “chinless wonder” is a widespread prole putdown of the upper classes.

It pains me, as a patriot of England, to admit that, while the English lead the world in dental configuration, they don’t enjoy quite the same excellence in the quality of their dentistry. On the other hand, I find the American obsession with perfect teeth quite ludicrous.

Without wishing to go too far out on a limb, I’d suggest that this reflects the overall American tendency to uniformity. By contrast, English teeth may be imperfect but they are a marker (sometimes the marker) of individual character.

Thus, I much prefer Miss Wood’s teeth to the gleaming gnashers of her co-star, Walton Goggins. They make one think of Wedgwood porcelain more than of any part of human physique. One’s teeth, Mr Goggins, aren’t supposed to gleam in the dark, nor especially to light up a room when the electricity is out.

Speaking of the link between the English overbite and phonetics, when I was studying English at my Moscow university, by some quirk of nature a few of my fellow students had that same overbite. And what do you know, they found it much easier to produce authentic English sounds.

I don’t know whether the formative effect of phonetics on oral structure has been covered in medical literature. Perhaps it has been, unbeknown to me. But my lifelong observation suggests the link exists, and not just in English.

The French, for example, produce most vowels labially, which often gives them slightly protruding lips, predisposing them for… Well, I’d better quit while I’m behind. I don’t want to get into more trouble than I’m already in.