We should all be thankful to the EU for letting us partake of its economic wisdom.
As this august organisation keeps swearing on Karl Marx’s grave, it’s solely dedicated to ensuring that Europe is a rip-roaring economic success – no ulterior political motive anywhere in sight.
This single-mindedness of purpose has produced the kind of results the European Commission in general and Frau Merkel in particular can justly regard as revolutionary.
That’s why it’s churlish of all those Ukip (and even some Tory!) ingrates to bellyache about the Commission’s generous offer of sound advice. It’s sheer arrogance to refuse to listen to proven experts.
One must admit that at first glance, the EU’s diktat…, sorry, I mean constructive proposal, sounds insane. But that’s only if you listen to those who strive to stick a crowbar into the wheel spokes of progress.
Without overburdening you with excessive detail, the diktosal (if you’ll pardon a portmanteau neologism) boils down to the time-proven policy of ensuring economic progress: tax and spend.
Actually the details are irrelevant. What matters is the general philosophy. Once that has been absorbed into Europe’s bloodstream, it doesn’t really matter how the extra tax will be extorted and in what areas the spending will be increased.
In this instance, the diktosal calls for increasing our council taxes and slapping punitive levies on those who dare live in expensive houses. The money raised thereby ought to be spent on lowering the cost of childcare and presumably also on providing EU functionaries with the kind of housing they deserve.
Predictably, some reactionary fossils, especially those racists-fascists-loons-sexists-homophobes-xenophobes in Ukip, are screaming bloody murder. They claim such policies will only succeed in hurting the economy, which will result in lower, rather than higher, tax revenue.
They don’t even notice the gross inconsistency of their own arguments, which isn’t surprising considering that so few of them live in Notting Hill, that hatchery of intellectual and, especially, sartorial excellence.
First the fossils bang on about the horrors of excessive immigration – even to the point of attacking the sainted Tony ‘Anthony’ Blair for daring to suggest – self-evidently! – that an influx of Somalis and Roma Bulgarians will resuscitate the Old Blighty, stimulating economic blood-flow through her sclerotic veins.
But then they fail to realise that the EU’s breakthrough idea will correct the very problem that riles Nigel Farage so – that of immigration. This obtuseness betokens their inability to follow elementary logic.
What’s the opposite of immigration? Correct. It’s emigration. If Farage sees immigration as a problem, he should logically either welcome emigration or else shut up. Are you with me so far?
Now imagine a pipe through which fluid flows in a certain direction. How do you reverse the flow? Any hydraulic engineer knows that you do so by installing a check valve.
What those homespun economists in Ukip and the lunatic fringe of the Tory party don’t realise is that the EU’s diktosal is tantamount to installing exactly such a device. A device, may I add, whose unfailing efficacy has been proven everywhere it has been tested.
Just look at the success the check valve of tax-spend has brought to France. Keeping his finger on the EU pulse, my friend François introduced – or rather expanded – the use of such policies. The success has been resounding.
The check valve clicked into action, bankrupting the country and reversing the flow much to everyone’s satisfaction. French people began to run away at an ever-increasing speed, mostly, by the looks of it, to West London, making it the fifth largest French conurbation in the world. Job done.
It’s not just immigration either. What about the traditional and much-vaunted English virtue of fair play? One may be forgiven for getting the impression that it has left these shores to settle somewhere near Brussels.
It’s blatantly unfair that the British economy is growing faster than any other in Europe. Actually, the comparative is inaccurate here, for other economies in Europe aren’t really growing. They’re either stagnating or contracting everywhere but in Germany.
If all those Little Englanders really understood England’s rich tradition of equity and fairness, they’d welcome any measure manifestly aimed at redressing this imbalance.
Britain has no business growing while others aren’t. Hence the EU’s idea, universally proven to put paid to economic growth. Since the Brits don’t seem to realise the fairness of it all, we must thank the EU for trying to get us in touch with our inner selves.
Not only are all these Eurohaters trying to poison the continent’s healthy body, they’re also injecting their venom into the veins of normally sound politicians, such as my friend Dave. This worthy man is being blackmailed into opposing the elevation of Jean-Claude Juncker to the presidency of the European Commission.
Scared by the current advent of racism (otherwise known as Ukip electoral victory), Dave has even threatened Frau Merkel that Britain will leave the EU if Jean-Claude is appointed. So fine, Dave doesn’t really mean it, but the very fact that such seditious words could cross his lips is grounds for concern.
We ought to support Jean-Claude’s candidature on the strength of his name alone. The amalgam of a French Christian name and a German surname proves that my new friend embodies in his very person the true spirit of the EU: the fusion of German and French bureaucracies first achieved when the two countries were more or less one back in the early ‘40s.
Add to this Jean-Claude’s exemplary record of leading that European powerhouse Luxembourg, a dazzling career only interrupted by an electoral defeat brought about by a wee bit of scandal, and you’ll see that the EU can’t find a better candidate to promote its founding values.
Rejecting life-saving economic advice. Campaigning against the walking embodiment of the EU. Attacking my friend Tony, whose only fault is that he wants to bring to all of Europe the same triumphant policies that benefited his own country so much.
Really, how truculent can they get, those Eurohaters? But don’t get me going on that.