I’m feeling especially smug today. Henceforth my name should be mentioned side by side with those of older prophets, such as Isaiah, Jeremiah, Amos, Daniel et al.
My prophesy was admittedly less cosmic than theirs, but it was just as prescient and accurate. But judge for yourself.
Back in 2013, yet another court case hingeing on sexual consent was making front-page news. He said she had consented, she said he was a rapist, that sort of thing. The British public was all worked up about the issue, and, as a socially responsible person, I felt duty-bound to offer a solution.
I suggested that, when going out in the evening, every young man should carry a consent form, which the object of his affection should sign before any hanky-panky takes place. I went into some detail enumerating the rubrics that form should include:
“Definitely specified before each erotic encounter must be a) position(s); b) duration; c) orifice(s) utilised; d) method of contraception; e) financial responsibility for any medical problem transmitted therein; f) any extras, e.g. S & M, B & D, other; g) presence and/or number of observers and/or other participants; h) use of any audio and/or video recording equipment; j) any resulting contractual obligations, e.g. the man does the dishes and/or mows the lawn tomorrow.”
Anticipating certain legal problems before they arose, I displayed a firm grasp of jurisprudence and no mean business acumen by adding this suggestion:
“To become legally binding, the form must be signed by both parties and then officially notarised, which may present something of a problem. You see, the decision to have sex frequently and irresponsibly involves no long-term planning. Not only can it be spontaneous but, even worse, it may be taken at a time when most notary offices are closed for the night.
“The problem is serious but not insurmountable: supply, as we know, generates demand. Before long all-night notary offices will appear in every neighbourhood, with the officials also licensed to dispense condoms and offer advice on various ballistic and contraceptive possibilities inherent in assorted sexual variants.”
I forgot to mention that, to help timid young ladies overcome a sudden onset of misgivings, such all-night notary offices could also dispense Rohypnol, but, other than that, my proposal was meticulously thought through.
It was also – and here I have to let you in on a secret – offered in jest, as a piece of satire. However, that literary genre is rapidly becoming obsolete because it can’t keep up with reality. The most dystopic predictions come true, and satirical mirth turns out prophetic in the hands of victorious modernity. Spanish authorities are a case in point.
They must have read my article, appreciated its ideas, and I only wonder why it has taken them 11 years to act on it. But act on it they did, by issuing a Consent Agreement for young men, especially footballers, to carry. As a tribute to, well, me, the form was produced in English.
The document has three pages and eight sections: I. PARTIES, identified as “The Proposer” and “The Consenter”, with space provided for full names and ages. II. TIME, specifying the initiation point of the act and its duration. III. ACTIVITIES (“Initial all that apply”), unimaginatively enumerating a mere 12 possibilities, such as digital penetration, oral sex, vaginal or anal sex, restraints used and so forth. IV. CONTRACEPTION. V. RATCHET CLAUSE [“There shall be no sexual activity of any kind other than that specified and consented to in this Consent Agreement without the establishment of a new, separate agreement. (See Clause 1 below)”]. VI. ACCIDENTAL VIOLATION. [“Either party to this Consent Agreement being male, may, through no fault and without intent, penetrate a female orifice not made available for sexual activity under this Consent Agreement.”]. VII. FAILURE TO PERFORM, wherein “Both the Proposer and the Consenter waive any right to legal redress for such failure to perform. VIII. EARLY TERMINATION. “This Consent Agreement may be terminated at any time during the period of consent agreed upon herein…”
Underneath there are spaces provided for the Proposer’s and the Consenter’s name and signature, and a separate line for a witness to sign. Yet, unlike in my proposal, no provision is made for the notarisation of the signatures, which is a lamentable oversight.
I do hope those Spanish lawyers had as much fun drafting that contractual document as I did 11 years ago. Yet my prophesy is no less prescient for being unwitting, and I have every reason to be proud.
Yet I would be remiss if I failed to mention another, less detailed but somewhat more poetic, prophesy of this aspect of romantic love. The man who stole my thunder 400 years before I put my fingers on the keyboard was none other than William Shakespeare:
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?/ Thou art more lovely and more temperate:/ Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, /And summer’s lease hath all too short a date…”
Literary scholars often disagree on the secret meaning of Shakespeare’s sonnets, but no disagreement is possible here. The “summer’s lease [that] hath all too short a date” undoubtedly anticipates Clause II of the Consent Agreement: “The Consenter and the Proposer make their bodies available to each other from time_____:_____[] AM [] PM on the date of_______ for a period of ________ hours.”
The language of romantic gallantry has changed over the centuries, but such is progress. Still, my fellow prophet Will must be congratulated on his prescience. Credit where it’s due, he had to look much further into the future than I did.
At this point, I’d be expected to wonder if the world is in the grip of collective insanity, but I’ll spare you the obvious laments. Some things just go without saying. And in any case, Seneca said it best:
“None of it can be helped, but all of it can be despised.”
P.S. This is my original article: http://www.alexanderboot.com/premature-ejaculation-can-get-you-convicted-for-rape/
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness. That it took over 11 years is testament to your satirical and legal prowess. Your original far surpasses this cheap knock-off, with your inclusion of clauses for: financial responsibility, extras, observers/participants, recording equipment, and contractual obligations. Their inclusion of the Early Termination clause (requiring written consent of both parties) will lead to more cases of “he said, she said.” “Your honor, I said ‘No!’ and tried to reach for a pen, but the Proposer refused to pause long enough for either of us to sign.” I think poor Miguel Galan has been duped. Or perhaps he, himself, is having a good laugh at the expense of the news outlets who have taken his report seriously? Satire is becoming increasingly difficut in an insane world.