Now that’s what I call argie-bargie

When Argentina players were celebrating their victory in Copa America the other day, they sang a chant going back to their 2022 victory over France.

Considering that France is in Europe and hence took no part in Copa America, I don’t understand why the Argentines chose to revive that song. But I do understand perfectly the indignation expressed in no uncertain terms by the French Football Federation (FFF).

In fact, when I glanced at the lead paragraph in the article about that outrage I too was incandescent, as a part-time resident of France. Apparently, the chant claimed that all French players were from Angola.

“How dare they!” I said out loud within Penelope’s earshot. Everybody knows Angola used to be a Portuguese possession, not French. Don’t they teach geography in Argentina? They should have sung that all French players came from Senegal or Côte d’Ivoire, then everyone would be happy…

It fell upon Penelope to do her wifely duty and get me on the straight and narrow. Read the whole article, she said. Then you’ll know why everybody’s up in arms.

So fine, I read the whole article, or rather the first half of it, and as a result my anger subsided somewhat but didn’t disappear altogether. Here are the offensive lyrics:

“Listen, spread the word, they play in France, but they are all from Angola, they are going to run well, they like to sleep with trans people, their mum is Nigerian, their dad is Cameroonian, but on the passport it says: French.”

Fine, Cameroon indeed used to be a French colony, I’ll grant them that. But Nigeria was British, so what on earth does it have to do with anything? Those ball-kickers are still geographical ignoramuses, and the FFF has every right to be aghast.

To their credit, Argentina footballers redeemed themselves in my eyes by praising the athleticism of their French colleagues (“they are going to run well”) and their broadminded approach to the most burning issue in today’s global affairs (“they like to sleep with trans people”). Anticipating that the FFF would excuse the geographical faux pas, balanced as it was with unreserved accolades, I then read its statement in full:

“Faced with the seriousness of these shocking remarks, contrary to the values of sport and human rights, the President of the FFF decided to directly challenge his Argentinian counterpart and FIFA, and to file a legal complaint for insulting remarks of a racist and discriminatory nature.”

Excuse me? Racist? Discriminatory? Legal complaint? I had to go back to the chant’s lyrics to see if they contained any derogatory remarks about other races – and found none. If we abandon geographical hair-splitting, the chant simply stated a fact in lexically neutral terms.

Looking at France’s 26-player squad at Euro 2024, anyone can see that all but four of its players are of African origin. That makes most of them, if not quite all, as the chant claims. But hey, what’s a little poetic licence among friends?

And how is the contention that France players like to sleep with trans people discriminatory? If the claim were that they hate to get their jollies with transsexuals, now that would be clear-cut discrimination.

According to the prevalent ethos, transsexuality is perfectly normal, and in fact commendable. Thus denying people sexual favours just because they used to be another (not the other!) sex would be discrimination at its most blatant. Granting such favours, on the other hand, means striking a blow for diversity, equity and inclusivity. The FFF should have congratulated Enzo Fernandez and other Argentina players on being so free of bias.

Enzo drew most fire in England because he plays for Chelsea FC. It has to be said that protecting the delicate sensibilities of the French has seldom figured high on the British list of priorities. But we can rise above parochial concerns when an accusation of racism wafts through the air.

The outcry was thunderous, especially since Fernandez isn’t the only Argentine player in the Premier League or even at Chelsea. Some of his teammates unfriended and unfollowed him on social media. Others complained to the FA (this stands for the Football Association, not its do-nothing approach to its job).

The FA and Chelsea FC have had to launch a forensic investigation, which one wouldn’t think should require the detective skills of a Sherlock Holmes. In fact, the purpose of this effort isn’t to establish guilt or innocence – anyone accused of racism is guilty as charged – but to decide on the commensurate punishment.

So far the talk is of a lengthy ban, 12 games or more, not a criminal prosecution. But I wouldn’t be surprised if the Met got interested too. After all, since London is famously crime-free, our police can concentrate on things that really matter.

Actually, South American players have some previous in this area. Two years ago, Edison Cavani of Uruguay and Manchester United was banned for three games. When a Uruguayan friend had congratulated him on his performance, Cavani wrote back, saying “Gracias negrito”, which means “Thank you, my dear friend” in Uruguayan slang.

However, the FA gentlemen didn’t care about the niceties of Uruguayan usage. They cared about the pejorative meaning a partial homophone of ‘negrito’ can have in English. This isn’t just a matter of semantics, but also of phonetics.

Words like ‘niggardly’ have been known to get officials in trouble, and I wouldn’t be surprised if barmen serving Negronis had their collars felt. This gives a palpable meaning to the expression ‘I don’t like the sound of that’.

If a perplexed Cavani was banned for using a normal term of endearment, Enzo could well be drummed out of English footie for good. Since he is aware of that possibility, he hastily produced a profuse written apology. One can admire his eloquence in English, for just a couple of months ago he could barely manage “My name is Enzo” in that language:

“I stand against discrimination in all forms and apologise for getting caught up in the euphoria of our Copa America celebrations. That video, that moment, those words, do not reflect my beliefs or my character. I am truly sorry.”

I’ll let you in on a secret. Nobody is genuinely offended by that unfortunate chant: not the FA, not Chelsea FC, not Fernandez’s teammates – not even the French who do tend to offend easily. However, the governing woke ideology mandates that they all register their indignation, the more hysterically the better.

English football chants in general aren’t known for heightened sensitivity to voguish taboos, including racial ones.

Thus Liverpool supporters are treated to “Your mum’s your dad, and your dad’s your mum, you’re inbred and you’re benefit scum.”

Tottenham Hotspur, based in a largely Jewish neighbourhood, is regaled with the chant of “Yid army!” and “Where’s your foreskin gone?// where’s your foreskin gone?// where’s your foreskin gone?”

The Spurs Korean striker Son plays to the accompaniment of: “He’ll run and he’ll score, he’ll eat your Labrador.”

And then there’s the ubiquitous chant of “There ain’t no black in the Union Jack!” at all football venues.

Sexual allusions are also rife, such as: “[Player’s name] is queer, he takes it up the rear.” (This, irrespective of the player’s sexuality.)

Such is the culture of English football, and the background against which Fernandez’s transgression should be judged. Footie in England is a working class game, mostly played by athletes who grew up in degrading poverty. Many of them come from racial ghettos in Britain and elsewhere.

Holding them and their fans down to the standards that woke ‘liberal’ intelligentsia wishes to impose on society the better to destroy it is criminal. People like Enzo are more sinned against than sinning.