My Easter message was weak

“A man,” Clint Eastwood said in one of his films, “should be aware of his limitations”. Wiser words have seldom been spoken, and I for one have decided to be honest with myself.

You see, I write because I fancy myself to be a competent stylist and someone who has something to say. Yet looking at my Easter message to all my readers (http://www.alexanderboot.com/happy-easter-4/), I realised how ill-founded and hubristic that self-image really is.

In hindsight my Happy Easter! musings seem turgid, hackneyed, unoriginal, unfocused and lacking in energy. Also, by ignoring the dynamic potential of capitalisation and exclamation marks, I committed gross orthographic negligence. Moreover, rather than speaking to my readers in the language they know from daily life, I placed an inordinate emphasis on the figure of Jesus Christ.

Granted, he might have had something to do with the occasion, but, by concentrating so much on such incidentals, I missed the chance to draw people’s attention to issues that really do make a difference to their lives.

I clearly have much to learn about the art of writing in general and producing festive messages in particular. Before committing a single word to paper, I must remind myself of Isaak Newton’s humble statement: “I stand on the shoulders of giants”.

Applied to my situation, this means I must learn from the great masters, men of letters who elevated the art of writing to vertiginous heights. Such men should become my teachers, with me their grateful and self-effacing pupil.

Rummaging through the annals of Easter messages, I found one eminently worthy of emulation. Both its powerful style and unique take on the nature of the festival enchanted me, an effect I’m sure they had on the intended audience.

Since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I’ve decided to rewrite my Easter message in the same style. I shan’t give you the name of my unwitting role model, for fear of embarrassing him by being such an inept pupil. So here is the new, better version, entitled YOU BASTARDS:

“Happy Easter to all Bastards out there, including the Labour Morons who do their stupid worst to ruin the Economy with Taxes, Regulations, Borrowing and Net Zero Idiocy. Those Mentally Insane Prats want to steal us all blind and destroy our Nation. The Scumbags want to take GREAT OUT OF BRITAIN! But I won’t let them! Look, you LABOUR MORONS, there’s a new sheriff in Town – and I know where you live!

“Happy Easter too to our LUNATIC, WEAK AND INEFFECTIVE JUDGES who set free Dangerous Prisoners, Murderers, Drug Lords, Wife Beaters and Paedo Rapists, while putting Good Men to jail for showing Muzzies what’s what. And Happy Easter to Our GOVERNMENT that refuses to let the Royal Navy sink those Dinghies carrying ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS  to BRITAIN. This is a violent Attack on our NATION, and I hope those MINISTERS are on the next Bus those Criminals blow up. MAY they rot in HELL!

“Happy Easter also to ‘SIR’ Keir Starmer, the worst and most destructive LUNATIC ever elected to any PUBLIC OFFICE. Go back to your COMMIE CELL, ‘Sir’ Keir, and leave OUR NATION the hell alone. And by the way, congrats on at last figuring out that a real WOMAN has no Dick!!!

“My best EASTER wishes also to those millions of HALFWITS who purposefully voted in by far the WORST and most calamitous Government in our NATION’S History. Are you happy now? Hope you rot in HELL, you bloody idiots. Your attack on our NATION will never be Forgotten!

“Happy Easter also to Angie Rayner, that tattooed Council Estate SLUT! Compare notes with that Bank Teller RACHEL on how you plan to turn BRITAIN into a THIRD WORLD COUNTRY, you NINCOMPOOP!!! Wish I could grab you by your Whatsit and tell you what to do.

“Today, we celebrate my Commitment to put GREAT back into BRITAIN. This is my CROSS to bear and I’ll use it to bash all those MORONS on their stupid Heads. I wish all you BASTARDS out there, with great love, sincerity, and affection, a very Happy Easter!!!”

There, isn’t this much better? Doesn’t this message do a wonderful job capturing the joy of Christ’s Resurrection, that great paschal mystery? Of course it does, and I’m eternally grateful to the great stylist and theologian who put me to shame by penning the elegant and pious message I found so inspiring.

One must learn from the best, and if the result sounds epigonic, then so be it. It’s better to imitate greatness than to insist on one’s own original ineptitude.