Let’s apologise for Christmas

Today is the perfect time for all Christians – and those atheists whose families used to be Christian in the past – to apologise for their faith. The list of those due an apology is long.

For example, during his long reign as Pope, John Paul II apologised to Jews, women, people convicted by the Holy Inquisition, Muslims killed during the Crusades or at any other time (during the siege of Constantinople?) and anyone else who had a grievance. Pope Francis added homosexuals to that list, apologising on behalf of the Church and also on his own behalf because he had once described that group with a pejorative term.

Protestant leaders of various denominations, thousands of them, won’t be outdone. They’ve issued profuse apologies for genocide, sex abuse, slavery, war and even the Crusades. One would think Protestants would be off the hook on that last one – after all, their particular heresy didn’t exist at the time. But no church can ever overdo mea culpas. The more, the merrier.

The Right Rev Rose Hudson-Wilkin, the Bishop of Dover and the likely candidate for Archbishop of Canterbury, apologised implicitly by offering hope to those “dislocated, in refugee camps, fleeing violence, war, climate change, famine and starvation.”

And there I was, thinking that, though shoulders may get dislocated, people can only get displaced. But let’s not quibble about semantics: the Industrial Revolution fuelled by hydrocarbons began in England, at a time when the country was still residually Christian. That’s why the Anglican Church must accept responsibility for the ensuing climate change, along with the famine and starvation that warm weather is known to create.

As for refugee camps, specifically the topical Palestinian ones, those responsible for that outrage worship the first part of the Bible. Since that part also belongs to the Christian canon, Christians in general and Anglicans in particular must accept their share of the blame. I realise that the link is less than direct, but this doesn’t mean no link exists.

Tying climate change to violence and war seems difficult, but only for the likes of me. Those who have taken holy orders will be guided by vox DEI to the requisite epiphany, I have every faith in them.

However, as we all know, prevention is better than cure. Rather than having to apologise for its innumerable offences, the Anglican Church should avoid causing them in the first place. Thanks be to God, its prelates realise that.

Hence parish priests have been instructed to avoid “causing unnecessary offence” by exposing their flock to contentious carols. One such is O Come, O Come, Emmanuel (né Veni, veni, Emmanuel) which offends in several ways.

First, it attaches a blatantly male name to God, which is deeply offensive to women. Since men tend to be less sensitive, they wouldn’t object to replacing Emmanuel with Emmanuelle… no scratch that. That was the title of a French soft porn flick from the 70s. Well, you get the gist. Let’s work on finding an inclusive name together.

Then, the carol beseeches God to “ransom captive Israel”. This though Anglican prelates, such as the Right Rev Rose Hudson-Wilkin, have explained that it’s captive Palestinians who need ransoming, not Israel that holds them captive.

Then that carol ratches up its offences by suggesting that other faiths are “outside of God’s grace”. First, the lyrics should have made clear that ‘God’ is strictly a figure of speech. With that proviso, listeners ought to have been reassured that so-called God doesn’t discriminate and regards all creeds, especially Islam, as worthy as they are irrelevant.

(In one of my earlier pieces, I suggested that Macron’s France adopt the hymn as its anthem, but that sensible idea was ignored.)

The other offensive carol singled out by the few remaining Anglican hierarchs, those who haven’t yet had to resign, is Lo, He Comes With Clouds Descending. Its second verse promises that listeners “shall the true Messiah see”, and how inclusive is that? Not at all, that’s how.

What makes Christ any truer than other messiahs, such as Mohammed? Or the messiah still awaited by the Jews? And don’t get me even started on Buddha, Odin, Nana Buluku, Yan Wang and many other deities with an equal claim to the messianic status. Remember what the E in DEI stands for? Good. Don’t forget it.

It goes without saying that members of any Christian denomination have a lot of offences to apologise for and, if possible, prevent. But meanwhile I can go them one better by offering advice based on my own experience of protecting my feelings from egregious offences.

You see, I too am quite a sensitive soul more than capable of suffering mental anguish. For example, I’m offended by pop music – or rather would be if I weren’t equipped with self-defence techniques. Specifically, I don’t go to pop concerts and even shun restaurants where pop music accompanies eating.

Then I’m also offended by everything written in The Guardian. That’s why I protect my brittle sensibilities by never sullying my hands with that rag.

Nor can I stand female priesthood, which is partly why I left the Anglican Church. See what I’m getting at?

Carol services are typically held in churches. Hence, anyone likely to be offended by Christian messages should steer clear of those dens of iniquity. Happiness all around: no one is insulted and the few remaining Christians can celebrate one of the two greatest dates in their calendar by being Christians, not walking DEI caricatures.

I wish you all a merry, joyous, unapologetic Christmas and a happy new year, unsullied by woke perversions. Those mock priests and priestesses may empty out your churches, but not your hearts.