In case you’re wondering, no, I haven’t retrained as a pimp. And even if I had, the supply of virgins this side of kindergarten is so scarce that the price would be considerably higher than €49.50.
Admittedly such a paltry amount wouldn’t buy you a maiden untouched by human hand. But it could buy you the next best thing: a girl who can trick you into believing she is pure as driven snow.
Well, not exactly a girl but an artificial hymen bearing the proud marque of Made in Germany, allaying the market fears about the previous generation of such devices made in China.
As a lifelong supporter of free enterprise, I applaud this instant response of Germany’s celebrated manufacturing industry to the needs of a rapidly expanding market of Muslim migrants.
Oh did I forget to mention that most buyers of this product are Muslim women who have an urgent need to appear more chaste than they are? Sorry, my oversight, but then I thought this went without saying.
You see, Muslim men demand virginity in their brides. Some, one suspects a minority, feel so strongly for religious reasons. Others, one suspects a majority, simply dread comparison and, if rumours are to be believed, with good reason.
Both groups tend to express their displeasure at their women’s sexual past in murderous ways, hence the high demand for the virginity inserts. For girls who sample the erotic delights before marriage the device, featuring two membranes with some freeze-dried blood in between, is thus a life saver.
One grateful Muslim customer provided testimony to that claim: “If the device didn’t exist, neither would I.”
The device can be purchased online, with satisfaction implicitly guaranteed by the manufacturer’s claim “Quality from Germany”. Cars, kitchen appliances or fake hymens – Germans certainly know how to make things, you’ve got to give them that.
Part of the reason for this unblemished record of excellence is the pride German producers take in quality control. The company making VirginiaCare Hymens (an excellent brand name, by the way) is no exception.
“It has been well designed and cannot slip out,” boasts their spokesman. “During sex it provides a natural-seeming result with a trace of blood mixed with body fluids.”
As do all German products, VirginiaCare comes with an extensive usage manual. Quite apart from insertion instructions, the manual reminds customers that “The woman needs to show pain. That is exactly what the man expects from a woman having sex for the first time.”
And, if his expectations are frustrated, he may kill you, though the manual doesn’t put it in quite so many words. Hence thousands of happy customers will be squealing like stuck pigs… Oops, an unfortunate turn of phrase. Make it ‘stuck camels’.
If you still have lingering doubt about the exact value of the cultural contribution being made by the millions of new Muslim arrivals, this bit of news ought to dispel them.
Before you know it the new product will catch on, and Gretchens will join Fatimas in the beeline for VirginiaCare. And what do you know, the growing supply may just collapse the prices pimps charge for virgins, stimulating demand.
Don’t know about culture, but this is definitely good news for the EU economy – at a time when good news is desperately lacking.