Those EU chaps just don’t get it. The Tories promised the referendum not to regain British sovereignty but to bury it for ever.
What part of tricking the electorate don’t they understand? Don’t know, but it must be an important part, judging by Germany’s brush off to George Osborne.
Our newly returned Chancellor went to Brussels trying to explain the facts of life to the Europeans who seem to be slow on the uptake. We, the Tory government, have a mandate to introduce far-reaching reforms, he said. Hence the upcoming referendum.
I’m sure his German interlocutor and counterpart Wolfgang Schäuble didn’t object at this point, although an objection might have been in order. It’s only to a mind utterly corrupted by half a century of one-moron-one-vote democracy that carrying less than 37 per cent of the electorate equates a sweeping mandate to do whatever the government wants.
But old Wolfgang possesses just such a mind, or he wouldn’t be where he is. So he just shrugged and said “Zo vot?”
George winced: once again he had to spell it out for those with learning difficulties. So, he said, we want you to massage the EU Treaty in such a way that it looks different, even if it remains essentially the same. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose, as you Germans put it, added our multi-lingual statesman.
Vee don’t say zis, Herr Osborne, objected Herr Schäuble. Ze French say zis, and zey agree wiv us zat ze Anglo-Saxons can go suck an Ei. Himmelherrgott! Ze EU isn’t a yo-yo manipulated by ze Anglo-Saxons. You made your Bett, you lie in it.
Can’t you see? pleaded Herr Osborne. That way we’ll guarantee the right vote in the referendum. Give us a change or two, let us secure the IN vote, and afterwards you can take them all back. See if we care. And then Britain will be all yours.
Ja, ja, said Wolfgang. I know you Anglo-Saxons. Give you a centimetre and you’ll grab a kilometre. Ze EU Treaty is like ze Decalogue. Huff and puff all you vant, but every commandment stays. Including adultery, as your Freund Boris should keep in mind.
In sheer exasperation, George turned to Hans Jörg Schelling, Austria’s finance minister, who happened to be passing by. “Hans, will you please explain to Wolfgang what’s what? Doesn’t he know what the bloody referendum is all about?”
He may not know, but I do, replied the Austrian. It’s about you lot being cowards.
“I sink politicians have to act decisively. And when ze politicians believe zey have to ask ze people, it’s an indication zat zey zemselves are not villing to make ze decisions and carry ze consequences,” he said.
“Are you out of your mind?” screamed George. “You want the dim-witted 20-year-old lesbians in our parliament to decide on serious matters?”
“Zat, mein Freund, is your problem,” said the German and the Austrian in unison. “Zat’s vot your Anglo-Saxon democracy is all about.”
All this is most annoying, but Dave and George shouldn’t despair. Those EU chaps are only playing hard to get to make a point. Once the point has sunk in, they’ll do what it takes to make sure the Brits vote the right way, which is to say the wrong way.
That’s why I share Herr Schelling’s view of democracy by plebiscite – even if we radically differ on the kind of decisive action we want our government to take.
But governments these days aren’t concerned about taking decisive action and making the right decisions. Their principal task is to make sure the make-up of our governing bodies faithfully reflects the population’s proportion of women, homosexuals, cripples and ethnic minorities.
This doesn’t mean they don’t know what the right decisions are. They do. But the nature of modern democracy run riot is such that doing what’s right is a guarantee of a severely curtailed political career, and that’s not a price modern politicians will ever pay.
As Jean-Claude Juncker, Europe’s Gauleiter, once said, “We all know what to do, we just don’t know how to get re-elected after we’ve done it.”