Farewell then, Dave, miss you already

Now that my friend has resigned his parliamentary seat, a void has appeared in my life. Or rather it has broadened, for the void dates back to July, when Dave left 10 Downing Street.

With Dave residing at that address, I was never short of receptacles for my bilious outpourings. When taking office, Dave told me over a pint (of Krug, his favourite pub tipple): “Alex, me old china [Dave likes to suggest he’s every inch a man of the people], as long as I’m ‘kin PM, you’ll never run out of ‘kin things to write about.”

That was one promise Dave kept, or rather the only one, for he has broken all others, such as one made on 8 July: “It’s my intention to continue serving as an MP and helping represent the interests of the people of West Oxfordshire and anything else I do will come a bit later.”

Now the people of West Oxfordshire, those hicks who never attended Eton, nor got pissed at the Bullingdon, have been made to understand that their pathetic little constituency is a small pond in which Dave is a big fish. Too big, in fact, to stay.

It’s said that Dave has left on a matter of principle, which I believe. Dave is indeed a man of high principle, and the highest of all is ‘look out for Number One’.

People say he has left to be free to challenge Theresa May’s plans on grammar schools, for doing so from the back benches would split the Conservative Party. Dave indeed detests this policy, as he told me over another pint of Krug at his local, Chez François.

“Alex, me old china,” he said, “we don’t want any of those proles to get ideas above their station. Anybody who’s anybody goes to Eton (or, at a pinch, the other place) and then to a degree at the Bullingdon. The proles can go suck an egg, or whatever it is proles suck. Teach them how to read, and before long they’ll figure us out, what? Can’t let that happen, can we now?”

As to splitting the party, Dave has never minded doing that in the least. For example, he courageously destroyed the Tories’ grassroots support by pursuing his two pet policies: homomarriage and the EU.

My only problem is that Dave didn’t go far enough. He advocated neither interspecies marriage, which would have been ineluctably logical, nor Britain becoming a straight German gau, with no nonsense about pan-European solidarity, which too would have been my preference.

But there’s no denying that Dave’s consistent, his detractors will say maniacal, pursuit of both policies split the Tories. Dave didn’t bat an eyelid, and one can’t deny his courage and integrity. There are a few other aspects of him one could deny, but we shan’t let them detain us now.

So that’s not why Dave flipped two fingers at the Mother of All Parliaments. He did so to graze in pastures green, as in dollar.

“If Tony can get $250,000 a pop talking to pissed Yanks,” said Dave, tossing, Bullingdon-style, his empty pint glass at the mirror behind the bar, “why the bloody hell can’t I?”

“Quite,” I said, wondering who on earth would pay good money to listen to either Tone or Dave. I mean, I’d walk to the ends of the earth to do so, but none of my friends would as much as cross the street. Still, there’s one fan of Tony and Dave born every second.

It’s a little-known fact that Tony and Dave are Siamese twins separated at birth (don’t let the difference in their ages mislead you). Since then Dave has looked up to Tone, who led the way out of their mother’s womb.

That’s why he called himself “heir to Blair”. Yet it would be churlish to deny that there was some sibling rivalry there as well.

For example, Dave always envied the ease with which Tone destroyed (“pissed all over”, was how Dave put it to me at Chez François) the House of Lords, one of our oldest institutions. Anything Tone can do, I can do better, said Dave and destroyed even an older institution, that of marriage.

Tone kisses Angela’s cheek, Dave can go him one better. Tone leads Britain into a bloody, and bloody meaningless, conflict, Dave won’t be far behind. Tone leaves Parliament immediately after leaving Downing Street, so will Dave.

Tony got a £4.5 million advance on his memoirs, Dave will get more: millions of people are gagging for the revelations his book will contain – I know, I myself can’t wait to read about his favoured brand of Bermuda shorts and Samantha’s ideas on fashion.

This can go on, the story of rivalry between Tony and Dave. Tony has earned £100 million in the nine years since leaving office – Dave can arrive at that magic figure in half the time. Tone has put together a buy-to-let empire of 32 properties worth about £38 million – that’s small change compared to what Dave’s going to do.

Please join me in wishing Dave best of luck in private life. I’ll miss you, Dave, me old china.