Dave’s back

Cameron? Seriously? One of the most incompetent prime ministers in British history is now going to be one of the most incompetent foreign secretaries in British history.

That’s not scraping the bottom of the barrel. It’s chopping the barrel for firewood, only then to find out it doesn’t even burn.

That Rishi Sunak sacked Suella Braverman was predictable. After all, she was the only Conservative minister making conservative noises, which means she had no place in this Conservative cabinet.

But couldn’t Sunak find another nonentity to appoint to one of the four great offices of state? The Tory front bench is full of them, take your pick. Or any Labour MP would have done as well.

After all, Dave Cameron, as he then was, proudly called himself “heir to Blair”, and that was the only thing he got right during his stint at Number 10. There was a man who devoted his whole life to political mechanics, and couldn’t even master that discipline.

Dave, as he then was, was committed to tying Britain to the EU’s apron strings in perpetuity and he was sure the British shared that un-British vision. Dave’s finger, after all, was on the pulse of his nation and he could tell you what every beat meant. That’s why, certain of victory, he agreed to a referendum.

That was a miscalculation so gross that it can only be put down to his epically vacuous incompetence. For, even though Dave, as he then was, threw the whole weight of government propaganda behind the Remain vote, the British voted to leave – in the greatest numbers they had ever voted for anything.

Dave, as he then was, had to resign and concentrate on writing his memoirs. A friend of mine, paid to review the tome, called it the dullest book he had ever read. But how could it be otherwise? Dull writers write dull books – to this law there are no known exceptions.

In his exit interview Dave was asked to sum up his tenure. What was his greatest achievement? Dave, as he then was, didn’t hesitate: his greatest achievement had been pushing the homomarriage law through Parliament. A bit thin for six years as PM, wouldn’t you say? Not to mention morally decrepit, historically ignorant and subversively anti-conservative.

Since Dave is no longer an MP, Rishi Sunak had to make him a baron, so he could move into the House of Lords and thence into the cabinet. Now he can proceed to do to UK foreign policy what he did to UK policy in general all those years ago.

Here is the man deemed well-equipped to take charge of foreign affairs at a time when the world is on the brink of devastation.

The West is showing every sign of being ready to sell the Ukraine down the river, thereby empowering a nuclear-armed fascist regime. The Muslim world is about to explode, with fiery fragments threatening to ignite conflicts all over the world. China’s economy has finally realised it’s run by communists and gone into a slump. It’s possible that the communists will see an attack on Taiwan as the best way to vent the resentment building up in a society spoiled by a few years of relative prosperity.

And now in comes Dave, slightly older, slightly greyer, but not even slightly wiser. He’ll sort out Putin and Xi. He’ll stamp on the Muslims baying for blood. Just the right man for it.

The greatest catastrophes in history didn’t happen because of inept politicians. Nor did they happen because of serious crises. They happened because inept politicians were in charge at the time of serious crises.

Appointing Dave, Lord Cameron, to the Foreign Office at this time can surely qualify as a crime against humanity or, barring that, as a crime against sanity. It has one advantage though: the next Foreign Secretary will be David Lammy, currently holding that position in the shadow cabinet.

From one Dave to another – what could be an easier transition? People who are no good at remembering surnames will be able to continue to refer to the Foreign Secretary as Dave. The forename won’t change and neither will the policy. Our heir to Blair is your quintessential CINO, Conservative In Name Only.

The only chance the Tories have to stay in power is to start acting as Tories, not as a pathetic impersonation of Labour. There is still time before the next general election in January 2025 to give the electorate a valid choice between sane and socialist policies, even if it’s already too late for conservative measures like cutting taxes to have an appreciable effect before the country goes to the polls.

But at least Sunak’s government would be able to tell the voters: “Look, we’ve made mistakes. But our new policies show we know how to correct them. If you vote for Labour, you’ll be voting for all the same mistakes, made ten times worse. Give us a second chance, will you?”

The electorate might agree or disagree, more likely the latter. But there would be an outside chance. The appointment of Dave Cameron signals to the world that no such attempt will be made. Sunak is resigned to guaranteeing a smooth transition from one Labour government (in spirit) to another (both in spirit and in name).

He should do the honourable thing, call a snap election and ensconce Keir Starmer at 10 Downing Street without delay. That outcome is now guaranteed, so why prolong the death throes?

Dave, now Lord Cameron, will then have time to write a second volume of his memoirs, guaranteed to be even duller than the first. People don’t suddenly develop a personality in their advanced years.