Dave and I are both worried

Dave Cameron is worried about the possibility of Israel committing war crimes. I am worried about Dave Cameron.

You see, Dave is one of those Mock Tories Lewis Carroll inexplicably left out of his Wonderland. In fact, the Conservative party is the only major one in which he clearly doesn’t belong.

The most advanced of electron microscopes wouldn’t be able to detect a difference between him and Tony Blair, to name one Labour idol. In fact, when Dave was PM he changed a lifelong habit and for once told the truth by describing himself as the “heir to Blair”. What he thought to be self-praise any real Tory saw as self-laceration.

As PM, Dave busily cultivated a trade romance with China, an activity he profitably continued in private life by lobbying for Chinese interests. He also got weak-kneed at the very mention of the EU, which he loved with a passion.

Alas, love, as we know, is blind. Dave tried to cement Britain’s membership in that pernicious organisation for life by calling a referendum. He was sure he’d get the result he wanted, but the British public gave him a brutal reality check.

Dave promptly tossed his toys out of the pram and resigned, ready to pursue his Chinese millions, albeit denominated in more civilised currencies. As a parting shot, he cited his success in pushing homomarriage through Parliament as the crowning achievement of his tenure.

Now this Mock Tory is back as foreign secretary, and his appointment would be sufficient proof of Rishi Sunak’s incompetence even in the absence of other proofs, which are many.

Having acquired another Great Office of State, Dave immediately began to campaign for a Chinese-backed infrastructure project without missing a beat. Absence from government has clearly made his heart grow even fonder of communist dictatorships.

From the lofty height of his new position, Lord Cameron, as he now is, has treated the grateful public to some penetrating insights into warfare in general and Gaza in particular. “Am I worried that Israel has taken action that might be in breach of international law because this particular premise has been bombed or whatever?” he asked himself. “Yes, of course I’m worried about that.”

So is Greta Thunberg, Jeremy Corbyn and every other Leftie in His Creation. They aren’t worried when Muslim fanatics act on their clearly stated intent to murder every Israeli (that’s for starters, before going on to kill all other Jews while they are at it). At best the Lefties express perfunctory regrets when Israel suffers yet another satanic assault. It’s only when Israel begins to strike back that they become genuinely worried.

Dave then criticised Israel for her laxity in providing humanitarian aid for Gaza, demanding in no uncertain terms that the water supply to some parts of Gaza be reconnected. Israel, said Dave, should “do a lot more” to avert a famine. The number of humanitarian lorries let through should increase from 100 to 500 a day, he added.

And anyway, explained Dave, Israel wouldn’t be able to defeat Hamas’s “ideology” by violence. He omitted to mention what else that ideology could be defeated by, obviously believing that went without saying.

A sensible, grown-up dialogue over lunch at a better Pall Mall club is a proven way for a nation to settle its differences with excitable chaps who eviscerate babies and rape women they’ve just murdered. Offer some arguments straight from the copybook of the Oxford debating society, and Bakr is your uncle.

Now Dave’s educational credentials, acquired at Eton and Oxford, trump my Moscow university any day. Hence he must be able to do something I can’t: cite an example of a nation fighting for its life that works hard to provide aid for the barbarians baying for its blood.

For example, how concerned was the RAF Bomber Command about protecting German civilians during the big war? In my ignorance, I believe those Lancasters were dropping blockbusters and incendiary bombs on Hamburg, Berlin and Dresden. But Dave must know that in fact the RAF battle cry was “Humanitarian aid away!” And down came food containers raining on hungry Germans.

Contrary to my misapprehension, Dave must know that the Allies began to look after German civilians not just after the war but also during it. No? Wrong example? Fine. I’ll keep an open mind, waiting for Lord Cameron to provide historical justification for his demand that Israel cater to the needs of Hamas murderers and their fans in the Gaza civilian population, which is to say the whole of the Gaza civilian population.

Last night, heirs to RAF and US Air Force bomber pilots struck Houthi targets in Yemen, including its densely populated capital Saana. Turkey immediately accused the West of causing a “bloodbath” and – are you ready for this? – Russia was indignant about the West “violating international law”.

From what I’ve heard Dave Cameron wasn’t opposed to the bombing of the Houthis. After all, they threatened the trading routes so dear to the heart of every Westerner. But I wonder if he managed to detect a parallel between his “worries” about Israel’s treatment of Gaza murderers and the condemnation of the West’s violation of international law issued by Erdogan and Putin.

The former was involved in genocidal peccadilloes against the Kurds, while the latter is murdering Ukrainian civilians every day. Neither atrocity, especially Putin’s, was in any way provoked, and even tangentially referring to international law would be both pointless and tactless.

Israel, on the other hand, is responding to one of the worst attacks on her civilians she has ever suffered. And yet our Mock Tory has the gall to accuse her of breaking international law and demand that she look after the enemy civilians – after 1,200 of her own civilians were massacred with characteristic Muslim savagery.

“Quod licet iovi, non licet bovi,” Dave would probably say in the Latin he learned at his expensive schools. I wish he had also learned something else.