The other day the leaders of three apostolic confessions, Catholic, Russian Orthodox and Anglican, met at an undisclosed location to discuss the pressing issues of the day.
In true ecumenical spirit they invited a lapsed Lutheran, Frau Angela Merkel (hereinafter AM) to chair the conference.
I can’t in all conscience name the participant who has kindly let me have the transcript of the meeting, for such disclosure would be most unethical. But thank you, Angie, all the same.
So here it is.
In attendance: His Holiness, Pope Frances (PF), His Holiness Patriarch Kirill of Moscow and all Russia (PK) and His Grace the Right Reverend Justin Welby (JW)
AM: Meine Damen und Herren… actually you are all Herren, aren’t you? So why on earth should we still use this old form of address if it no longer applies? Das ist verrückt. Also, Meine Herren…
PK: Herr is obscene in Russian. We didn’t win the war for me to be called a bloody herr by a Kraut.
JW: She meant no offence, Kirill. Let’s all be friends, shall we? Compromise is what Christianity is all about, don’t you think, Frank?
PF: Who am I to judge?
AM: Quite. Now as we all know, an unfortunate situation has arisen in the Ukraine…
PK: There is no unfortunate situation. There’s only an unprovoked aggression on the part of the USA, the EU, Nato and the rest of the world. They are using those Judaeo-fascist, homo-loving Banderites to attack Mother Russia…
PF: What did you call my Mama, you hijo de puta? How would you like me to knock your teeth down your…
AM: Please Your Holiness, bitte. Kirill wasn’t talking about your mother. He said Mother Russia. It’s a figure of speech. Germany is a father figure, hence Vaterland. Russland is a mother to her people, hence Mother Russia. Verstehen Sie mich?
PF: Si.
AM: And Kirill, you can’t call the Ukrainians ‘fascists’ all the time. We must use polite language, wouldn’t you say, Frank?
PF: Who am I to judge?
PK: Fine. As we say in Russian, you can call me a pot as long as you don’t put me into an oven.
JW: And in my mother tongue, we say ‘sticks and stones…’
PF: What did you call my Mama, you idiota? I’ll knock your cabeza off…
AM: Please, Frank, calm down. He wasn’t talking about your mother, Himmelherrgott!
JW: I most certainly wasn’t! And speaking on behalf of… well, whoever it is I speak on behalf of… I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to Russia for the Crimean War…
PK: Which we won.
JW: Er… well, if you insist… And while at it, I’d also like to apologise to His Holiness for the Falklands…
PF: Malvinas, por favor.
JW: But of course. Malvinas it is. And, since I’ve already apologised to our German friends for the beastly bombing of Dresden, now I’d like to apologise for, well, the German defeat in the Battle of the Bulge…
AM: Duly noted and accepted.
PK: Then accept this, you hubristic Hunnish whore: the Crimea is ours! For ever and ever, amen! Right, Frank?
PF: Who am I to judge?
JW: Of course it is, Kirill, of course it is. But where I come from, we are obsessed with legality, you know. So by what legal right…
PK: Let me explain something to you, Anglichanin. There’s only one law, that of God , as represented on earth by Comrade Putin. And God is on our side because Russia is holy.
AM: Full of holes?
PK: Full of God’s grace! St Vladimir the Baptist was himself baptised in the Crimea. So it’s the same to us as Mecca is to the bloody Chechens and Georgians!
PF: Who am I to judge, but I thought the Georgians were Christians.
PK: Let me explain something to you, Frank. Russia is the third Rome, and there will be no fourth. That means Christians are whoever I say are Christians. Get it?
AM: Justin, what’s the Anglican position here?
PK: Missionary, that’s all the Anglichane know…
JW: Well, the Russians seem to feel very strongly about this, which isn’t the Anglican way…
PF: Not my way either. Who am I to judge?
PK: Too bloody right we feel strongly about this. And, by the mercy of God, we can turn you lot into radioactive dust!
JW: Yes, well, look… I’m opposed to nuclear weapons with their indiscriminate destructive potential… The Anglican settlement is all about compromise, you know. The geopolitical shifts are such…
PK: Don’t you shift me any geopoliticals or geopolitical me any shifts! Anyway, St Vladimir was baptised in the Crimea, so the Crimea is ours. Russia was baptised in Kiev, so Kiev is ours. Moscow is the third Rome, so the two other Romes are ours too!
FM: Sorry, Kirill, who am I to judge and all that, but you can’t occupy Rome. That’s where I live! Take over Rome! And pigs will fly!
AM: Schweinen don’t fly.
JW: Indeed they don’t. Hence the English figure of speech. I do think, to avoid such misunderstandings, time has come for all European languages to be united into one, in the spirit of trust and cooperation…
PF: May I just say, and it may be off the subject, that I am feliz… happy that Angie has taken over Europe. I do believe that women’s role in government and in the church must be broad…
PK: They don’t call them broads for nothing.
JW: That’s American, which isn’t helpful. In my mother tongue, we say…
PF: What did you call my Mama?!?
Here ended the conference. According to the draft communiqué that my nameless source Angie has kindly forwarded to me, the meeting was “constructive, productive and positive”.