Brexit also causes cancer

Since I, in common with our Supreme Court judges, believe that Britain would be better off as a gau in Greater Germany (aka the EU), I’m worried about the deadly effect of Brexit.

This may sound counterintuitive, but Brexit isn’t just carcinogenic, it’s instantly carcinogenic. Allow me to explain.

Fifty-two per cent of the British voted Leave (each a moronic, ignorant lout flying a St George cross off his white van), thereby imposing their wicked ways on the 48 per cent (each a refined, erudite person driving an ecologically responsible Prius).

That created inordinate stress in those sensitive souls, and stress may be a cause of cancer. And if you think that’s bad, wait till you hear this.

Slightly burned toast or potatoes roasted to a crust have been proved to cause cancer, and so it’ll remain until this irrefutable claim has been refuted. But what causes people to leave their bread in the toaster and potatoes in the oven for too long?

Right. It’s the stress of knowing that Britain has become a homeless orphan, the distracting anxiety about our uncertain future, the mental image of us shivering from cold on the world’s breadline.

Convinced by my unassailable logic? No? Yet this is roughly the intellectual level of most arguments put forth by The Times, exemplified by today’s article Brexit Blamed As Assaults on Hospital Staff Double.

Now percentages may be misleading. For example, in 2015 I found vomit at my London doorstep just once, while in 2016 that happened twice. Yet this 100 per cent increase appears less catastrophic when expressed in absolute numbers.

Yes, assaults on NHS staff have gone up from 225 to 496 in one year. But let’s put this datum in perspective.

The NHS is Britain’s largest employer, and, if the present trend continues, before long it’ll become the only one. For the time being, it employs 1,400,000 people, of whom 800,000 actually treat patients, while most of the others prevent them from doing so.

I’d suggest that reducing the 600,000 balance by at least a factor of 10 would alleviate the funding problems plaguing the NHS, but that’s by the by. Let’s just say for now that 496 assaults, while morally deplorable, hardly constitute our healthcare’s most pressing problem.

Now how do we explain the 225 pre-Brexit assaults in 2014-2015? Since even a passionate Europhile like me can’t possibly blame them on a prescient anticipation of a Leave vote, some other factors must have played a role.

Off the top: homicidal waiting lists, overcrowding, undignified mixed-sex wards, inattentive staff, incoherent replies to patients’ questions, low hygiene, prevalence of hospital-acquired infections, long wait at A&E, routine denial of life-saving drugs for financial reasons – just tell me where to stop.

Or, from another angle, additional contributing factors may include the growing brutalisation of the British. The whole modern ethos, devoid of any moral, cultural or intellectual rigour, is replete with a booze-fuelled sense of entitlement and general resentment against, well, just about everything.

One can see it in the feral faces of our lumpen underclass, unemployed and unemployable, their welfare money going on drink, drugs, tattoos, Nike trainers and iPhones. Compare the people watching football matches in the 1950s newsreels with today’s football lovers, and you’ll know what I mean.

Thanks to the technical achievements of which modernity is so justly proud, all modern perversions have an accelerator built in. So would it be a stretch to suggest that all those factors might have been exacerbated over a year?

Add to this a huge influx of foreign doctors and nurses, now making up 38 per cent of the frontline medical staff. According to MBA spokesman Anthea Mowat, they “bring great expertise to the NHS”, a statement The Times quotes uncritically.

Some no doubt do, but equally doubtless is that some don’t. The standards of medical training vary greatly across the world, and, say, some Eastern European doctors wouldn’t be able to qualify in Britain – if they had to. But, being EU citizens, they don’t.

However, even assuming they’re all Edward Jenner and Florence Nightingale rolled together, many of them have difficulties communicating their sterling expertise in English. And patient interviews are an essential part of therapy.

I for one feel uneasy when banging my head against the language barrier separating me from a medic. Being an aging gentleman, I wouldn’t express my frustration physically, but I can see how someone who’s neither aging nor a gentleman might.

Hence assaults on racially or religiously different medics may not be motivated by racial or religious factors – an elementary thought that’s beyond The Times.

Also, such violence presupposes assaults by whites on BME people (Black and Minority Ethnic, in case you’re wondering). Yet victims of about half of the assaults were whites, most of them British.

And that’s “of the victims whose ethnicity was recorded”, says The Times without batting an eye. But this statistic is meaningless unless we’re told how many victims fall into that category.

Overall, there isn’t a single fact cited in the article that even remotely justifies its title. This is yet another proof that modernity destroys the very reason in whose name it was adumbrated. Our society is post-truth largely because it’s post-intelligence.