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Gee, is it G7 or G8?

Let me see: Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, the UK and the USA. That adds up to seven, hence G7.

However, watching the Sky footage of the ongoing summit, one espies an eighth party at the table: my friend Jean-Claude Juncker, who likes to go by his affectionate nickname ‘Junk’.

Exactly what got Junk a ticket to this party? He’s President of the European Commission, but the EU isn’t yet a duly constituted state, at least not de jure. And if the EU is indeed entitled to be represented at a G7 conference, then why isn’t it called G8?

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Donald Rumsfeld apologises, 12 years too late

Upon mature deliberation, doubtless helped along by the TV footage of the Middle Eastern massacres, Donald Rumsfeld has finally admitted that the idea of carrying democracy to the region was somewhat flawed.

Well, better late than never and all that, but one wishes he had reached such clarity of vision before engineering the criminally stupid (stupidly criminal?) invasion of Iraq in 2003.

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The Pope is Catholic. But what about his US flock?

As the trailblazer and flag-bearer of modernity, the USA leads the way in advancing every modern perversion, including political correctness, fast food, baseball caps worn backwards and verbs made out of nouns.

This time it’s House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi who helpfully reminded me why thinking about the kind of people who govern Western countries gives me Kafkaesque nightmares.

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Tony Blair endangers Jews yet again

As new chairman of the European Council on Toleration and Reconciliation, Tony has been put in charge of combatting anti-Semitism in Europe.

This is like appointing Sepp Blatter to stamp out corruption in sports. For Tony is personally responsible for putting Jews in the greatest peril since 1953, when only Stalin’s death prevented Russia’s own final solution.

In 2003 Tony played top dog in the pack run by Dubya and trained by US neoconservatives. Their criminal invasion of Iraq is directly responsible for jeopardising the survival of Jews in the Middle East.

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Women of the world, unite behind Angie

Writing for The Times, Angela Merkel has kindly explained what the G7 is actually for. An explanation was sorely needed because some cynics have expressed doubts that these occasional get-togethers actually serve a useful purpose.

Turns out they do, and Angie explained what’s what with her usual, and usually earnest, lucidity. The mission the G7 has undertaken is to make sure that every woman in the world is in gainful and equitable employment.

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“There are a lot of balls”, with none belonging to Dave

The first part of the title is a direct quote from Jean-Claude Juncker, to whom I’m warming up rapidly.

The second came from my own vituperative heart, with Dave being the object of the vituperation.

My friend Jean-Claude’s detractors cite many of his drawbacks, such as a dearth of any discernible principles, the kind of amorality that’s de rigueur for a committed federast, perfidy, the intellect of a child with special needs and so forth.

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Jews beware: Tory Nazis are in town

Do you think it’s time to revive the idea of gassing the Jews? Our Home Secretary and Justice Secretary certainly do. That’s why they advocate Britain’s departure from the European Convention on Human Rights (ECHR).

Such is the learned judgement of Prof. François Crépeau, UN Special Rapporteur on the Human Rights of Migrants. Who am I to argue?

Prof. Crépeau’s list of degrees is longer than mine, and he has been blessed by the laying on of UN hands. Hence he knows how to argue by sticking the thin end of a wedge in and twisting it for maximum effect.

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Prince William’s guide to talkin’ proper

The other day, when my friend Will and I were having a couple of pints at the King’s Head, I complimented him on his interview with Gary Lineker.

Will succeeded, I said, in sounding as if he had finally divested himself of the stigma of his shamefully high birth. Why, he even refers to beer as ‘pig’.

This is what he told me in response:

“Ta, Alex, me old china.

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Can you hear Sepp Blatter sing?

If you’ve led a shamefully sheltered life, you probably don’t realise that the title of this piece is actually a variation on the first line of a popular football chant, used by the fans of a winning team to taunt their opposite numbers.

Decorum prohibits my quoting the second line verbatim, but the gist of it is that those losers have nothing to sing about. However, in Sepp’s case, the answer is a resounding yes.

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France talks EU footie to Dave

Dave is currently on a trick-or-treat junket to Europe, or rather treat-and-trick. He wants the EU to treat him to a few ploys enabling him to trick us into voting Yes in the referendum.

As any marketing man will tell you, respondents in any survey find it much easier to say Yes than No. Hence, by wording the big question as ‘Do you want to stay in the EU?’, rather than ‘Do you want to get out?’, Dave feels he’s already halfway there to the result he craves.

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