As our re-elected PM embarks on a whirlwind tour behind EU lines, one hopes all those little-Englander vermin in Ukip feel suitably ashamed of themselves.
For, contrary to their vitriol, Dave has drawn a list of iron-clad conditions for Britain to stay in the EU, regardless of the results yielded by the referendum our re-elected government has promised.
Should the EU wisely choose to comply with these conditions, Britain will regain her sovereignty, and never mind the referendum:
1) The EU undertakes not to refer to the euro as ‘the single currency’. Henceforth, it shall be known as ‘the solitary currency’, ‘soccur’ for short.
2) The British pound shall be pegged to the soccur only under duress and definitely not in the next six months.
3) The French undertake not to refer to the English as ‘les rosbifs’. Instead the English shall be known as ‘les hautes cuisines’.
4) The EU will let Britain decide how many Australian-American billionaires she will allow to own British newspapers and TV stations.
5) Britain shall likewise decide how many Russian, Chinese and Arab oligarchs she admits, provided they have not secured EU citizenship beforehand.
6) When applied to Britain, Déclaration des Droits de l’Homme et du Citoyen shall be known as Declaration of the Rights of Man/Woman/Other and of the Subject.
7) The Germans undertake to keep their bloody beach towels to themselves.
8) Britain’s right to buy as many German cars as she wishes shall in no way be curtailed.
9) Ditto, Britain’s right to buy French wine – even though our own Kent product is clearly superior.
10) Ditto, Britain’s right to buy anything continental at the asking price.
11) The EU undertakes not to send in its own police to arrest British subjects unless it must.
12) The EU shall not impose on Britain more than 60 (sixty) per cent of her new laws, give or take a few.
13) Those Eastern Europeans promise to stay in their own countries, crossing their hearts and hoping to die.
14) Britain shall be allowed to sign unilateral trade treaties with whomever she pleases, provided the EU does not mind.
15) The EU undertakes at least to match HMS’s funds required to launch a sensible campaign for the In vote in the upcoming referendum, provided it indeed upcomes.
16) The EU undertakes to adopt as its official anthem the British football chant ‘If It Wasn’t for England, You’d All Be Krauts’, adding the words ‘And Now You Will Be’ at the end.
17) The EU shall replace the words ‘ever-closer union’ with ‘ever-tighter union’.
18) Angela Merkel and members of her government undertake not to end their public speeches with ‘Gott Strafe England’ or any shout that includes the word ‘Sieg’.
19) The French shall take an enthusiastic part in celebrating the bicentenary of the Battle of Waterloo on 18 June.
20) The EU undertakes not to tell us how much deficit we can run. We will borrow as much as we bloody well like.
21) No continental drinking establishment shall henceforth ban British stag and/or football parties.
22) Britain shall retain the right to abbreviate Jean-Claude Juncker’s name to ‘Junk’.
23) The Queen shall be allowed to renounce her EU citizenship, thereby becoming stateless.
24) Those Europeans who speak what they call English shall abandon their pathetic attempts to imitate the American accent. To provide a reliable guide to proper English pronunciation, EastEnders shall be taught as a compulsory subject in all continental schools.
We must all admire the diplomatic skill with which Dave has painted those Eurofederalists into a corner.
If they accept these conditions, on pain of Britain’s leaving the EU, nothing will ever again compromise our sovereignty. And if they reject them, Dave will think up some new ones.