The Reverend Giles Goddard, vicar at St John’s in Waterloo, came into some unfair criticism for holding an ‘inclusive mosque’ service at his church, at the end of which he invited the congregation to praise “the god that we love, Allah”.
All those reactionary sticklers for the letter of canon law are up in arms, which only goes to show how far the spirit of reconciliation is away from their hearts. Some even felt that such a hybrid service pushed ecumenism too far.
However, you and I know the damage that religious particularism can cause. After all, as my friend and co-believer Richard Dawkins has explained so poignantly, religion is responsible for all evil in the world.
Richard correctly refused to single out any particular creed, sensing unerringly that they are all the same at base. Thereby he made a valuable contribution to the ecumenical movement, to whose ideas I subscribe wholeheartedly.
As a committed ecumenist at heart, I applaud the Rev. Goddard’s noble effort as thunderously as I rebuke his critics. They clearly haven’t read my friend Richard, or else haven’t heeded his wise words.
Besides, these nay-sayers clearly didn’t attend the service in question and hence base their criticism on biased newspaper reports.
Well, I was fortunate enough to be present at that historic event – and prescient enough to record the Rev. Goddard’s homily for posterity. Here’s the transcript, and I hope you keep your mind open, but not so wide that your brain falls out:
“In the name of the fatwa, the gun and the holey corpses, hey man.
“Brothers and sisters! Well, for propriety’s sake let’s keep it just to the brothers this once, shall we?
“It’s customary to recite the Lord’s prayer after the sermon, but what have such customs given us over history? Nothing but trouble.
“Hence this new, ecumenical prayer shall be recited at the beginning of my sermon. So repeat after me:
“Our Fatwa which art in Hajj, hollowed-out be thy rounds, thy kingdom come in England as it is in Iraq. Give us this day our daily brawl, and forgive us our trespasses as we don’t forgive them which trespass against us. And lead us not into contemplation but deliver us to evil. For Allah’s is the kingdom, the power and the gory. For ever and ever, hey man.
“Today, brothers in Allah, I want to concentrate on the words of Jesus Christ, a prophet of Allah second only to Mohammed.
“Specifically, I want to draw your attention to the one verse that puts the meaning of Christianity in a nutshell: Matthew 10:34.
“Ibn Matthew describes the speech Prophet Jesus delivered in the Muslim city of Jerusalem, temporarily occupied then, as it is now, by, well, you know whom.
“Jesus said: ‘Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.’
Having made that open-ended promise, Jesus was about to explain what he meant. However, he was crucified before he could do so.
But, as we know, he didn’t die. He came back five centuries later as Mohammed and provided all the necessary clarification:
“‘Slay them [unbelievers] wherever ye find them…’ (2:91) ‘We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve.’ (3:151) ‘Take them [unbelievers] and kill them wherever ye find them. Against such We have given you clear warrant.’ (4:91) ‘The unbelievers are an open enemy to you.’ (4:101) ‘…If they turn renegades, seize them and slay them wherever ye find them…’ (4:89)
“Yes, brothers in Allah, there are 107 verses like these in the Koran, the book Mohammed, formerly Jesus, actually dictated personally – unlike some other so-called holy books I could mention.
“Now I ask you: which religion is brandishing the sword on the Internet even as we speak, killing infidels wherever it finds them? Which religion casts terror in the hearts of those who disbelieve? Which religion practises what Mohammed/Jesus preached?
“Islam, I hear you say, and you are right. Therefore verily I say unto you, Muslims are the real Christians, and now Christians must become the real Muslims to be as worthy of Mohammed/Jesus and other prophets.
“It’s time we cast aside our differences and joined forces in our common fight against disbelievers, idolaters, capitalists and those who occupy the holy Muslim city of Jerusalem.
“It’s time we morphed the cross into the crescent, thereby bending all its four ends clockwise.
“It’s time we Christians recognised Mohammed as our prophet too, as Jesus incarnate, Allah’s messenger on earth.
“Blessed are the peace breakers for theirs is… well, anything they fancy.
“In the name of the fatwa, the gun and the holey corpses, hey man.
“Here endeth the holey mess.”
By the time the Rev Goddard finished his homily, many bearded men in the congregation were weeping openly, and so was I, even though I was clean-shaven.
Allah has found another prophet in the Rev Goddard who has finally found a common burial ground between Christianity and Islam.
If we can’t beat them, we must join them – and together we’ll be able to beat anybody. Hey man!